It may be your experience that all of your “jobs,” value, and self-understanding existed within the framework of Mormonism, and so in the crumbling of that framework, you may find yourself standing in what feels like a pile of materials that you don’t know how to make into something else.
You may find that you are overwhelmed by the lack of a structure in your life designed to keep you safe. You may also be disappointed to understand how little your part was in building and maintaining that previous structure. This ego death inevitably happens when leaving an institution in which you are told you are not only powerful, but perhaps one of the most powerful and important beings on the earth.
Of course, at the same time that the structure of Mormonism is falling down around you, the internalized structure on which you hung your intellect, ego and purpose is also coming apart at the seams.
It’s okay to be sad about this loss. You are not required to toss aside your feelings out of embarrassment, self-punishment, or any other reason. For years, your purpose, your understanding of self, and a clear path forward were probably driving factors in every action you took. Your relationships were likely based on the idea that both of you were in on some kind of secret knowledge that the rest of the world did not have access to, and that makes for a lovely and exciting time.
It’s possible that your life choices were founded on Mormonism—when and if you got married, when and how many children you have. If you did not do either of these things, you probably felt that you lacked purpose. It’s possible that you made career choices based on your understanding of doctrine, desire to do missionary work, need to provide financially for a large family or a family started at a young age. Your education might have taken a distinct path because of your belief in your divine purpose.
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